Sta.sh
You represent death on the horizon.
A quiet calm of eradication.
Riding through the fields of humans.
You, commanding fear!
Voices fall silent as you pass.
Eyes turning away unable to stare.
Hands quiver and bodies shake.
My warning to the herd of humans
You are just toys in his sand box.
When he catches you, you'll beg like sheep.
Heads will roll and hearts will stop.
He's only here to gather the dead.
So run, scurry away!
He'll get you one way.
I don't fear you!
I know your legend, a soul reaper.
Burning desire for your sythe to delicately violate me.
You will kill me but my soul wants you.
My blood is chilled from standing still.
May I leave this world to never return.
I don't want to play here anymore.
My lost love, please find me!
I crave you!
I want to walk with you, Ankou.
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And a
It's certainly an interesting idea for a poem. I also like to add appreciation for the fact you didn't try to make your lines rhyme (to be honest, I've seen too many say they write poetry and all they seem to be doing is trying to rhyme).
Anyway, that little cynicism aside, it's really flattering to see I inspired you to write something. If you'd like, I could show this to my brother some time; he's studying drama and literature at uni and is much better at providing literary feedback. I don't want to be dampening your spirit but I know there are definately a few things that could do with some improvement so I just want to help.
One thing I would suggest is that maybe you could split the poem just before "My lost love please find me!" and make it two. It just feels as though the last few stanzas work better as a separate thing - even though they focus on similar subjects, the context somewhat changes at that point.
Then again, that might be better determined from my bro's feedback, if you wouldn't mind to receive that, of course.
Regardless, good effort and thank you very much.
Always looking for feedback that can improve my writing. Yes rhyming can takes it toll, I often write for flow factor. You can show your bro anything of mine you'd like just don't break my heart too much.(heehee)
On a lighter note, I showed your pix at work (I help in a costume store) and they loved what you did. Of course we began picking it apart in the sense of what era of your jacket is from, the pin, so forth so on but they loved your entire costume. Hope that makes you head swell and bobble a little.
Also thank you for the reply, very kind of you.
PS- Would you be okay if I put you on my watch list?